Things Wulf is No Longer Allowed to do on Eyovar Station

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This is an ongoing list of deeply appreciated insanity. I have rarely laughed so hard in my entire life. This is what happens when Truth and I talk about tekMage late into the evening.

Inspired by "213 Things Skippy is no Longer Allowed to do In the US Army."

"Things Wulf is no longer allowed to do on Eyovar Station..."

1. No challenging new recruits to drinking games.
2. Getting someone else to do the challenging for you still counts.
3. Do not pinch the Commander's cheek.
4. Do not pinch the Commander's ass.
5. Just don't touch Ash at all, okay?
6. Standing behind Ash during a briefing in order to cause the new recruits to laugh at inappropriate moments is no longer allowed.
7. Nor is standing behind the Commander at any OTHER time. Ever.
8. Do not yell 'BO-RING' during a breifing.
9. Communications equipment is not to be used for 'mood music'. Ever.
10. Do not proposition imaginary people where others of a more sensitive disposition may overhear.
11. Seberak is not the god of disco.
12. Sneaking up behind Frost and going 'OooOoOooO' is only funny once.
13. Making flea jokes at Caine isn't funny, period.
14. Red alert is reserved for actual emergencies.
15. Eyovar's main computer is not to be used for Minesweeper.
16. Or storage of porn.
17. Even really good porn.
18. Arguing that 'good porn' is a matter of perspective automatically loses you the argument.
19. Any argument.
20. Using surveillance systems to create said really good porn is against the rules.
21. Decompression alarms aren't toys.
22. Consent forms do not lend legitimacy to number 20.
23. Nor does monetary incentive.
24. Seberak's name is not pronounced as a sneeze.
25. Setting up shrines to other gods to outside Seberak's quarters isn't funny.
26. Even with pictures.
27. Or humorous puppet shows.
28. Maji's real name is not 'Legolas'.
29. Nor does he bake cookies in a magic oven.
30. And as much as he tolerates you for sex, he does not like to sit around and braid hair all night.
31. And we don't want to see pictures of that, either.
32. Stop making Ray Charles references to Caine. He can see you.
33. Recommending an orthodontist to Seberak is always a bad idea.
34. As is practicing your ventriloquism on Frost.
35. Ash does not need therapy. From you.
36. You may not show direct video feed of Shade's showers on the main screen.
37. Even if it is not, technically porn.
38. Ditto on the monetary incentive and/or waivers.
39. The dragonmen are not invading aliens, and the world really doesn't need to think that anyways.
40. Arguing about the technicalities of porn comes under number 18.
41. You do not have a Scottish accent, and no one gets the Star Trek references, anyhow.
42. Playing Reign of Fire on the main viewscreen isn't funny.
43. The same goes for the Mummy.
44. And the Sixth Sense.
45. In fact, you don't get to play any movies at all.
46. Furthermore, the arguments that those films are historical refernce materials will not work.
47. Maji is not a Padawan Jedi.
48. Frost is not the Mediator.
49. Ash's first name is not 'Darth'.
50. Dragonmen, of either gender, do not have 'gazongas'.
51. No cutting up Shade's shiftsuit to 'show off her hot ass'.
52. The airlock is NOT a Stargate.
53. Seberak is not a Goa'uld.
54. You may not call Ash and Frost - Jack and Daniel. Ever.
55. Caine is not Teal'c.
56. Shade is not Commander Carter.
57. Neither are you.
58. Downloaded historical documents do not count as 'past lives'.
59. Costumes don't help.
60. The dragonmen do not have, nor need, a theme song.
61. Especially not Sailor Moon.
62. Number 59 also applies here.
63. No one on the station likes the colour pink.
64. A debriefing is not an episode of Law & Order.
65. You are not allowed to cross-examine the commander.
66. Asking Shade for 'Just the facts' has been demonstrated to be a very bad idea.
67. Strip poker is a consentual game.
68. Asleep does not count as "didn't say no":
69. You're a hologram. You don't get to sleep in.
70. The dragonmen are not the Knights of the Round Table. Stop asking them to sing the song.
71. Or dance.
72. Or get you any sort of plant life.
72. And Eyovar is not 'just a model'.
73. There are no coconuts in space.
75. Frost is not a swallow.
76. Or a witch
77. Neither is Shade.
78. Calling Seberak 'Sir Robin' is a bad idea.
79. You are not the black knight.
80. Jackal is not the Beast of AAAARGH.
81. Although he will force you to make that noise if you keep it up.
82. We don't have Holy Hand Grenades. Stop provoking the Christians.
83. You aren't French.
84. Ash does not need a cape.
85. No more Monty Python. Ever. See 45, 46 and 59.
86. Shade will not wear stiletto heels for any reason. They do not give her any crime fighting powers.
87. Same goes for Maji.
88. Ditto the fishnets and the corset.
89. Do not braid Seb's hair when he is sleeping.
90. Shouting 'Wonder Twin Powers - ACTIVATE' every time Ash and Maji have to do something together is a bad idea.
91. Seberak is not Gleep.
92. Regarding number 90 - same goes for "Avengers, Assemble!"
93. The dragonmen are not "your X-Men."
94. Nor do they want to be your 'X-Rated Men'.
95. Even Maji.
96. So stop referring to the shiftsuits as the 'leather movie uniforms'.
97. Or slutsuits
98. Or pyjamas, for that matter.
99. In fact, don't talk about them at all.
100. That does not make it all right to talk about what's underneath them instead.
101. They are not 'costumes' per se and are thus not against any of the previous rules. Naked combat is against the rules. Period.
102. Even if it did work for the Celts.
103. Even if you're already in negotiations for the movie rights.
104. Porn rights, too.
105. No one will blame Frost if he 'accidentally' disconnects you if you insist on singing over the com line.
106. Stop putting incense in Seberak's tea.
107. Or any other foreign substance.
108. Stop burning Seb's tea and saying that you thought is was your incense. That only works once.
109. Do not hide under Frost's bed.
110. Or Shades.
111. Do not apparate -in- people to get their attention.
112. Especially if they're naked.
113. Do not challenge Caine to werewolf contests.
114. Do not threaten to go over to the Dark Side.
115. Never -ever- call Seberak 'Yoda'.
116. Or Jabba.
117. No one on the station is a ninja.
118. Or a pirate.
119. The dragonmen will not pick you up some porn on the way to Earth for a raid.
120. Or on the way back.
121. Same goes for Swedish prostitutes.
122. No prostitutes.
123. Maji doesn't count.
124. Or anyone else.
125. Not paying them doesn't make it allowed.
126. Do not refer to dragon souls as 'inner beanie-babies'.
127. Your name is not Holly.
126. The Internet is NOT actually for porn.
129. Ash does not need to wear an H on his forehead.
130. Seberak is not the cat.
131. Frost deleted your 'anime-form' for a reason.
132. Eyovar Station does not have Casual Fridays.
133. You are not too sexy for your pants.
134. Especially at briefings.
135. Stop making jokes about the term 'briefings'.
136. You shall not plan bombings in the shape of happy faces.
137. Or anything phallic.
138. Don't call Seberak 'Moses'. The 'Out of Egypt' jokes weren't funny the first time.
139. Don't call him 'Lestat' either.
140. Lucifer, Prince of Darkness is also a no-no.
141. Prince of Darkness, maybe, but without the Lucifer.
142. And only when he's already drunk.
143. In reference to 137, no bombing spelling out that someone 'sucks'.
144. Or their mother.
145. No sexual exploit tales, either.
146. Or anything ending in 'was here'.
147. Or supposed messages from various aliens.
148. Or any god. You know they hate that.
149. No pulling interstellar doughnuts in the Shard.
150. Or barrel rolls.
151. There is no space worm in the asteroid that will devour the station.
152. Or Imperial Star Destroyers
153. Just because the station is not a planet, and still is a space station, don't call it the Death Star any more. It was only funny the first hundred times.
154. Ash is not Obi Wan.
155. Nor is he 'your only hope'.
156. And stop calling him Darth Maul.
157. Shade and Caine are not related.
158. You do not need to salute anyone.
159. If you must salute, please use more than two fingers.
160. Please note that we said 'fingers'.
161. Please note that we said 'fingers'. Twice.
162. Even though Slate kinda has the same horns, stop calling him Tim.
163. Maji is not in thundering need of a tan.
164. There are no rabbits of ANY kind of Eyovar Station.
165. You may not rename Eyovar 'The Titantic'.
166. Or the Flying Dutchman.
167. Or the Marie Celeste.
168. Or the Black Pearl, for that matter.
169. Frost does not appreciate Ghostbuster references of any kind.
170. Don't ever call anyone a 'redshirt'.
171. Even if they are, in fact, wearing one.
172. ESPECIALLY if they are, in fact, wearing one.
173. Debriefings do not need to be 'spiced up' with sudden guitar solos.
174. Or strip shows.
175. Or lap dances.
176. Or anything that can traditionally be performed 'under the table'.
177. Or even on it.
178. There are no more popes.
179. On ropes or otherwise.
180. Especially not any named Pope Bastard the First
181. Despite the compliment, Ash is not Satan.
182. You may not draw pentacles in blood on the hallways even well away from Seberak's quarters.
183. Even if the blood is obtained from willing donors.
184. Willing is NOT a 'matter of interpretation'.
185. Same goes for heiroglyphics.
186. Or any Tolkien language.
187. Or any quote from Army of Darkness.
188. No one likes strobelights in the mess hall.
189. Or smoke machines.
190. Contrary to your shouted slogans disco is, indeed, dead.
191. Please stop naming the menu livestock.
192. If you must name them, please do not put the names ON the menu.
193. No vegetarian meals.
194. Tofu is not food.
195. Spam is no longer a legit war ration.
196. Dwarf Bread does not really exist.
197. Nor does lembas.
198. You are not Iron Chef Eyovar.
199. Eyovar Station does not have 'Musical Sundays'.
200. Please do not offer sexual favours on the black market in exchange for rations, weapons, or computer parts.
201. Especially when said offers are for someone else.
202. Again, asleep doesn't count as 'didn't say no'.
203. You are not in charge of 'initiaition duties'.
204. You are not allowed to be in charge of your own punishment.
205. Punishment is not a euphamism for bondage porn.
206. Arguing will not change this.
207. Again, costumes don't help.
208. You are not allowed to write a scandalous tell-all of our exploits, both on the battlefield and off.
209. You're not allowed to 'research' for it, either.
210. No more selling false stories to the tabloids.
211. Or true ones.
212. You are not allowed to decide which ones are true or not.
213. Authenticity is not a point of view.
214. There are no missions that call for drag.
215. James Bond is not our mascot.
216. Even though the sex comparison is arguable.
217. You may not rename the dragonmen with various innuendo 'to fit with the theme'.
218. Please stop it with the 'horny' puns.
219. And the 'piece of tail' ones. At least in public.
220. You are not Agent Smith.
221. You're not even Agent Jones.
222. Or Doctor Jones.
223. Or Christmas Jones. See 214 ... also 215, come to think of it.
224. No more calling the Shard 'Priscilla'.
225. Horns do not exist in order to anchor feather headdresses, funny hats or silly antenna.
226. Bunny ears aren't funny. Ever.
227. You're a hologram. You don't have fleas.
228. You do not have an evil twin.
229. You are not the evil twin.
230. There is no 'Real World Eyovar'.
231. Nor 'Eyovar Survivor'.
232. Nor is this an episode of Lost
233. Or even Lost in Space
234. No more humming 'Suicide is Painless' around Shade.
235. Or 'The Masochism Tango' around ANYONE.
236. Seberak does not need to waer a collar.
237. Arguing about this rule when he is within earshot is also forbidden.
238. Yes, you WILL pay for any damages
239. No more putting dragonmen in other dragonmen's beds when they're drunk and/or sleeping.
240. No more fucking around with Slate's medical files on the database.
241. Eyovar Station does not have an improbability drive.
242. Nor is calling Ash 'Marvin' a wise thing to do
243. The shiftsuits are not dry clean only.
244. You are not in charge of 'improving' morale.
245. Eyovar Station does not have a Glee Club.
246. Seberak doesn't wear eyeliner.
247. Or stuff his loincloth
248. No, you're not allowed to stuff it for him.
249. Shade doesn't, nor does she need, stuffing, either.
250. And the phrase 'stuff it, Wulf' is NOT a request.
251. Nor is 'go fuck yourself' a challenge of hologram physics.
252. Requiring sacrifices of porn before turning the hot water in the showers back on is not allowed.
253. Requiring sexual favours isn't allowed, either.
254. No more fucking around with the oxygen levels in Eyovar.
255. Or the gravity.
256. And helium's only funny the first time.
257. N2O wasnt even funny then.
258. You are not allowed to grow anything in Hydroponics for medicinal purposes.
259. Or recreational purposes.
260. There is no Viagra revival.
261. No more referring to the dragonmen as the Renegades of Funk.
262. Or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band
263. The dragonmen are not a political party.
264. Or a democracy.
265. But that does not give you permission to call Ash 'Fuhrer'.
266. Just because Seberak doesn't think you're funny does not mean that he doesn't have a sense of humor.
267. That does not give you permission to try and find it.
268. And no, no one else wants to give it a try on your behalf.
269. "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out," isn't an endorsed war cry.
270. Specifying the god rarely helps your case.
271. "Fear Me, Rash Mortals," can be considered treading on Seberak's territory.
272. "Bring out the comfy chair," does not actual strike fear into the hearts of the enemy. It's more like confusion.
273. Still. Don't do it.
274. "By the Power of Greyskull" is not an approved answer to any question beginning, "By whose authority...?"
275. Ash does not need to submit his orders in written triplicate.
276. Frost doesn't have to preface requests with 'Mother May I?'
277. Maji does not need a herald.
278. Or a tiara.
279. Nor does he appreciate you kissing his ring finger when he enters a room.
280. Frost is not actually a reincarnation of 'Casper the Friendly Ghost'.
281. You were never in a hair band.
282. Just because Seberak has a mohawk doesn't mean that he wants it to stick up.
283. You are never allowed to play with an electric razor again. Ever.
284. There are no emergencies requiring an electric razor.
285. Or wax.
286. A bad hair day is not an emergency
287. Even when it's Maji.
288. You are not allowed to give piercings.
289. -Especially- without consent.
290. See previous rules about sleep and consent.
291. Or dye jobs.
292. Or anything to do with body hair.
293. Or tattoos.
294. Especially tattoos.
295. And you will be deactivated for a month if anyone finds another 'mystery hickey'.
296. Eyovar Station does not have a fireplace. Anywhere.
297. You may not, repeat not, light anything larger than a single match. Ever. No matter the circumstances.
298. Seberak does not have a 'tentacle form'.
299. Nor do you.
300. Do not ever use the proximity alarm as a wake up call ever again.
301. Ash is not a Highlander.
302. Seberak is not THAT kind of elder god. See 298.
303. Jokes about Egyptian deity lineage aren't smart. Ever.
304. Do not sing 'They're coming to take me away' in front of Frost.
305. No prison sex jokes either... for the same reason.
306. You are not an Elvis impersonator.
307. Or a stand up comedian of any stripe.
308. Eyovar does not need a 'housekeeper please turn over the bed' sign on the vault door.
309. Never. Sing. Kum. Ba. Fucking. Ya. Again.
310. It is just rude to give Seberak chopsticks.
ETA: June 8th, 2005
311. Seberak does not have something in his teeth.
312. And even if he does, you are not allowed to address it by name. See 191 and 192.
313. Even if its human.
314. You do not have arthritis and you do not need a massage to 'get going' in the morning.
315. There is no such thing as a 'Seberak Snack'.
316. You do not have a nicotine deficiency.
317. 'I was drunk' is not an excuse, nor even believable.
318. 'Lots of body hair' is not an acceptable uniform.
319. Eyovar Station does not publish a nude calendar.
320. In reference to the calendar idea, see numbers 59, 86-88, 96, 99, 101, 133 and 207.
321. In a similar vein, Seberak's loincloth is not, per se, a costume and you will not attempt to dispose of it for violating the rules referred to in 320.
322. The dragonmen don't have, nor do they need, frickin' laser beams on their foreheads.
323. The dragonmen are not related in any way to the Kilrathi.
324. This is not the film set of Aliens V
325. Or Predator III.
326. Please stop trying to contact said Predators and/or Aliens.
327. Along those same lines, Frost does not want to be 'bait'.
328. Nor is he all that warm to being 'jail bait'.
329. No more Ice Queen jokes, either
330. Don't call Ash 'Bowser'.
331. You do not need a laugh track.
332. Ash's briefings do not need a laugh track.
333. Neither do any activities on-station involving two consenting adults.
334. Do not whistle and snap your fingers at the FreakBeast. Ever.
335. Rule 334 also applies to Caine.
336. Do not call Seberak and Caine Romulus and Remus.
337. Shade is NOT Red Sonja.
338. Caine is not Conan.
339. NO ONE is Kull the Conqueror.
340. The Realm Wars do not have a 'Broadway adaptation'.
341. Briefings to not require network censorship 'bleep' noises at humorous intervals.
342. Nor gory elaborations including the phrase 'fucking disgusting'.
343. Impersonations are not required to 'liven up' a situation report.
344. Stop asking if a cat got Ash's tongue.
345. You were not abandoned as a child and raised by wolves.
346. Nor was Caine
347. Do not refer to Ash and Shade as Mulder and Scully.
348. Maji does not appreciate the theme to Titanic being played whenever he has a guest in his quarters.
349. Who Let the Dogs out is NEVER appropriate.
350. Nor is any track from the soundtrack of The Full Monty.
351. This is not an LARP.
352. The dragonmen do not need to roll to intimidate.
353. You are NOT the Storyteller
354. Seberak is not a grue, despite some resemblance.
355. Maji is of no relation to Billy Idol.
356. Do not refer to the dragons as 'the body snatchers'.
357. The dragonmen do not need you to harvest body parts. Of any species.
358. Slate and Caine are not Burke and Hare
359. No dragonman goes by the code name 'Chippendale'.
360. Or Deep Throat.
361. Or Spanky.
362. Or anything involving garden vegetables.
363. Frost's last name is Li, not Wang. That's just rude.
364. Singing 'Frosty the Snowman' is a bad idea.
365. You are not the Dominar of anything.
366. You are not allowed to touch toilet paper ever again.
367. You are not Han Solo. Eyovar station is not the Millenium Falcon and Seberak is not, repeat, NOT 'Chewie'.
368. You do not have a church.
369. Or a cult.
370. All previous rules regarding permission apply to membership in same.
371. You are not authorized to host weddings.
372. Or wakes.
373. Or bar mitzvahs.
374. Or Hari-Kiri
375. Again, previous rules regarding permission apply.
376. Or a bris.
377. Regarding 375, ESPECIALLY about the bris.
378. War paint is entirely unnecessary.
379. As is moisturizer.
380. Battles do not break at 2pm for tea time.
381. Or porn.
382. Even 'really good porn'.
383. You do not need to be checked every morning 'just in case you rebooted asexual'.
384. No dragonman has a code name of 'Teh Sex'.
385. The dragonmen are not muppets.
386. Ash is not the Batman.
387. Maji is not the Boy Wonder.
388. Nor are you.
389. Spandex is not an acceptable alternative to a shift suit. Particularly in bright colors.
390. The dragonmen are not required by any code to shave their head like Caine for aerodynamic reasons.
391. The Geneva Convention does not apply.
392. You are not allowed to interpret military anagrams.
393. No, it is not more efficient to give the dragonmen cell phones.
394. Or semaphore flags.
395. Never ever try to make Seberak say, "Hooked on Phonics worked for me." Really. For the safety of you as well as anyone who would be in hearing distance.
396. Do not call Seberak a 'mule'.
397. Seberak and Maji are not related. In ANY way.
398. Wars are not divided into 'shirts and skins'.
399. You do not command an army of undead warriors.
400. Nor do you have fairy godparents.
401. You do not need to collect teeth, for necklaces, shiny nickles, or otherwise.
402. Ash does not need more colors in his wardrobe
403. Nor does he need your advice on whether he is a winter or a summer.
404. Or any sort of eye liner.
405. Power Rangers references are not allowed.
406. Refrain from it's Morphin' Time" during fights as well.
407. Also any references to colored lions or proclaiming, in a dramatic voice, "... and I'll form the HEAD."
408. Do not hiss and recoil from sunlight. You are light. Suck it up.
409. Stop asking Seb to say, "I'll be back."
410. Or anything with a great many syllabants.
411. Frost's real name is not Gojira.
412. Don't check if any of the dragonmen are ticklish while they're eating.
413. Don't play bagpipe music at 0200. Or 0300. Or any time when anyone, anywhere might be sleeping or working with delicate electronics/glassware.
414. You are not the gatekeeper of Seberak's wine stash.
415. Nor are you in charge of his distillery.
416. Eyovar station is not 'The Cube' and you may not, under any circumstances, construct traps - even if they are humorous as opposed to deadly.
417. Traps that you let the dragonmen know about for security puposes are negotiable.
418. But not if they involve pudding.
419. We will never again discuss the events which led up to rule 418. Ever.
420. The first rule about the dragonmen is NOT 'You do not talk about the dragonmen...'
421. The second rule about the dragonmen also follows number 420.
422. There is no rule six ONLY because there are no rules 1-5 as well.
423. You cannot command unfavourable beings to 'snuff it'.
424. You do not have a ringtone.
425. And if you did, it would not be 'This is the song that has no end'.
426. Rule 309 also applies.
427. You are not the lost Care Bear.
428. Also the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Jack Frost or, as previously noted, the Tooth Fiary.
429. No more than 100 different online personas at any time.
430. And none of them are to be used for subscribing to 'really good porn'.
431. Especially if you are actually charging said alleged 'really good porn' to any of the dragonmen.
432. Or any other subscriptions, for that matter.
433. You are not allowed to accept delivery of 'The Watchtower'.
434. Or to deliver 'The Watchtower'.
435. Chick tracts are strictly forbidden.
436. As is any form of blogging.
437. See 429.
438. The dragonmen are not 'The Magnificent Seven'.
439. Even the Kurosawa version.
440. So stop giving them kimonos and cowboy hats.
441. Especially together.
442. The dragonmen do not have 'levels'.
443. Stop tallying experience points at the end of missions.
443. The virtue/flaw system does not apply.
444. The dragonmen do not have alignments to chaotic good.
445. They are not on a holy quest.
446. Stop asking what everyone's favourite colour is whenever you meet them on the catwalk.
447. "What's your sign," is also verboten, under any circumstances.
448. The hangar bay is not for spelunking.
449. You are not a mime.
450. The Shard does not need running lights.
451. Or a skull and crossbones painted on the hull
452. No. Fuzzy. Dice.
453. There is such thing as too many Gs.
454. You don't need to have random drug raids on Eyovar.
455. Or urine tests.
456. Or pregnancy tests.
457. Especially on the men
458. Stop starting conversations with Shade using the phrase, "So, do you know who the father is?"
459. "So how was he?" isn't a good choice, either.
460. Eyovar does not have a Hellmouth.
461. Neither does Seberak.
462. Do not sew a push-up bra into Shade's shiftsuit.
463. Or anyone else's.
464 *see rule about stuffing loincloths which number I forget, atm*
465. The dragonmen's uniforms do not need a patent leather alternate version.
466. Or peek-aboo panels.
467. Your left hand is not possessed by a demon.
468. Or any other part of your body.
469. ANY other part.
470. Or anyone else's, for that matter.
471. Just because there are world conspiracies doesn't mean that we need to know about every single one.
472. or that diagrams are required.
473. Especially the pod people one.
474. Alien porn still counts.
475. We do not 'probe' people.
476. YOU do not 'probe' people.
477. You do not survive by using bat sonar.
478. 'Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead' is not an appropriate response when someone asks you a navigation question.
479. Stop trying to contact the dolphins.
480. Ash does not need to say the magic word.
481. The password is never, ever 'Ala peanut butter sandwiches'.
ETA: June 9th, 2005.
482. New recruits do not have to pass a GDE written exam.
483. You are not a mystical repository of all knowledge and do not require a ritual dance before providing requested information.
484. Nor that said requestor go on a quest.
485. You may no longer participate in any trivia game.
486. Briefings are not trivia games.
487. In regards to number 482, they don't have to pass an oral exam, either.
488. You are not in charge. Ever.
489. If everyone else dies, see number 488.
490. If everyone else dies, you don't automatically get their stuff.
491. Nor do you get to add them to the army of undead referred to in rule 399.
492. You are not authorized to 'interpret' wills.
493. Do not discuss death and its aftermath with Seberak or Frost.
494. Just because Ash has died a few times and isn't all that talkative, he is not a zombie.
495. You are not allowed to test this theory by cutting off his head.
496. He's not a vampire, either.
497. Seberak is not a 'vampire elf'.
498. You may not, under any circumstances, call the FreakBeast 'Fluffy'.
499. The same goes for calling Caine 'Fido'.
500. Do not answer comm requests with 'Who's Your Daddy?'
501. Particularly when the request is coming from Seberak.
502. Dirty talk over an open comm isn't appreciated.
503. Especially when you're talking to yourself.
504. Especially during a broadcast.
505. Privacy is not a matter of interpretation.
506. Never -ever- attempt to rationalize human experimentation with Ash.
507. Or encourage Magi to do the same.
508. Never again use the comm system to tell us "The British are coming, the British are coming!" at 0400.
509. Ditto the Russians.
510. In relation to 508, one if by land and two if by sea does not refer to nuclear strikes.
511. The dragonmen do not need their own action figures for your enjoyment.
512. And even if they did, said action figures really didn't need to be anatomically correct.
513. Blow up dolls are also forbidden.
ETA: June 10, 2005.
514. Inflatable sheep are equally verboten.
515. Inflatable object of any species or gender are not allowed. Period.
516. Body pillows do not need either decoration or ornamentation.
517. Especially to look like any of the dragonmen.
518. Dragonmen are not body pillows.
519. See previous rule regarding sleep and consent.
520. In fact, you are not allowed to approach, manipulate or in any way interfere with the dragonmen while they sleep.
521. Waking them up in order to do so does not count.
522. No, that does not mean that you shall poke them with a stick when it is time for breakfast.
523. Or any other phallic objects.
524. Unless previously arranged. Privately.
525. Very privately. See 20.
526. Dragonmen are not effected by catnip. Cut it out. It -smells-.
527. "I was looking for mice" is not an appropriate excuse for getting caught in someone else's quarters. On a space station.
528. 'Hide the salami' is not a children's game.
529. Slate isn't that kind of doctor.
530. The station is not a DeLorean.
531. In reference to 527, said mice are not higher beings looking for a new answer to a new question.
532. You do not need a stuffed animal to sleep at night.
533. Caine is not a stuffed animal.
534. Nor is Shade's chest.
535. Also, this ban applies to previous rules regarding stuffed loincloths.
536. No naming of body parts.
537. Especially not your own.
538. Seberak does not have a tail.
539. Attempting to remove the loincloth 'just to check' is not acceptable.
540. Nor are there any medical reasons to justify same.
541. So Slate cannot assume any responsibility for the risks you take in doing so. For any reason.
542. You got that supposed mystical key out of a box of cereal. It does not open the 'dark secrets of the universe'.
543. You cannot give cooties.
544. Nor can you get them.
545. Briefings are neither the time nor the place to request a 'drag queen mode'.
546. You do not belong to the Union of Underappreciated Hologram Beings.
547. Nor may you found one.
548. So no, you can't go on strike.
549. When given an order, the appropriate response is "Affirmative", "Yes", or any slang or physical equivalent thereof, not "Make me."
550. Never ask "Or else what?" Ever. You know better.
551. You do not get to charge anyone with 'mental cruelty'.
552. Shade's real name is not 'Clarice'.
553. You may not, under any circumstances, even think about the coffee supply.
554. Especially the word 'decaf'.
555. Do not cause any power surges/outages in Frost's quarters.
556. Being a hologram, you cannot fart. Stop thinking that it's amusing. Right now.
557. The Shard is not ever again to be treated as an R/C Racer.
558. Especially when there are other people in it.
559. No matter who told you it would be 'fun'.
560. 'Fun' like 'willing' and 'really good porn' is a subjective concept and you do not get to choose the interpretation.
560. You never wrote a dictionary.
561. Producing a dictionary that is missing pages, has red ink in the margins, and sports moustaches on the illustrations does not count as authorship.
562. Digital equivalents are also forbidden.
563. Please stop asking Eyovar to talk like Sean Connery.
564. Anything not mandatory is forbidden.
565. You may not attempt to creatively interpret number 564.
566. Even through dance.
567. Even through erotic dance.
568. Especially through erotic dance.
569. On a related note, briefings are not to be performed in interpretive dance.
570. Also, see previous rules about puppet shows. Still a no-no.
571. A gag order is, technically speaking, merely an imperative regarding the dissemination of classified materials. Please stick to this definition.
572. Number 571 being as it is, you cannot request gag orders.
573. Raids and broadcasts are neither the time nor place to cry out "Help! I'm being repressed!"
574. Do not request to be paid/compensated for your time with porn.
575. You can never again respond to comm requests for intelligence with the response, "If I told you, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore."
576. Heavy incoming fire is not an excuse to sing, "It's the End of the World as We Know it" even if you do know all the words.
577. Regarding 575 - As a matter of fact, if you told us, then no, you would not have to kill us.
578. Singing "It's a Small World After All" is not an approved negotiation tactic.
579: Battles do NOT require play-by-play
580: Or color commentary.
581: And no, cheerleaders are not an option
582. You do not need to be tucked in with milk and cookies every night.
583. The same goes for bedtime stories and good night kisses.
584. Good night kisses do not require tongue.
585. There is no need for good night floggings, either.
586. In fact, you don't sleep. Get over it.
587. No. Androids do NOT dream of electric sheep and neither do you.
588. You are also not authorized to give good night kisses or floggings.
589. Stop leaping over cots in the middle of the night. You are not an electric sheep.
590. Your name is not, in fact, 'Wulf, Destroyer of Worlds and Lord High Executioner.'
591. Your name is not spelled with any 'silent numbers'.
592. Nor are you allowed to replace your name with anything more humorous in the databases or files.
593. Or anyone elses.
594. Never refer to Ash as 'Captain Tightpants' ever again.
595. You are not a lost prototype of Neopet.
596. Nor is the Freakbeast... and you may NOT paint him various colors.
597. You are not allowed to touch paint. Ever.
598. Nail varnish counts.
599. Food colouring is also taboo.
600. You are not a one-man karaoke-singing party machine.
601. Spontaneous group hugs are not a good idea. Ever.
602. You are never again, under promise of slow and painful viral death, allowed to rap.
603. Your presence does not require a fanfare of silver trumpets.
604. Or moaning of any kind.
605. No, not even if you supply the trumpets yourself.
606. There is no such thing as ceremonial moaning.
607. And ever if there was, half-hearted, sub-sonic gibberish is not religious and just pisses the nearest god off.
608. Seberak has no sense of humor, remember?
609. Therefore you have no reason to make the FreakBeast try to pronounce "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

Comments

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

311. Seberak does not have something in his teeth.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

312. And even if he does, you are not allowed to address it by name. See 191 and 192.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

313. Even if its human.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

314. You do not have arthritis and you do not need a massage to 'get going' in the morning.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

315. There is no such thing as a 'Seberak Snack'.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

316. You do not have a nicotine deficiency.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

317. 'I was drunk' is not an excuse, nor even believable.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

318. 'Lots of body hair' is not an acceptable uniform.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

319. Eyovar Station does not publish a nude calendar.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

320. In reference to the calendar idea, see numbers 59, 86-88, 96, 99, 101, 133 and 207.

321. In a similar vein, Seberak's loincloth is not, per se, a costume and you will not attempt to dispose of it for violating the rules referred to in 320.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

322. The dragonmen don't have, nor do they need, frickin' laser beams on their foreheads.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

... I need to make some icons. I do, I do.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

Update the list, damn you.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

I'm at work and I have a shoddy memory. Keep your pants on.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

Don't quote rule 133 at ME.

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

Oh, go violate rule 248.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

Don't mind if I do.