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Rowan Atkinson - Welcome to Hell
Sep. 19th, 2004 09:19 pmBecause it might perk up someone's day ... or night, as it were.
Er ... alright. Hello, nice to see you all again...
Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil, good evening... um, but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal...
... that's just a little joke.
Now, you're all here for... eternity, which, I hardly need tell you, is a sort of a long time, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions?
Yes?
Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you've read your Bible, you would have seen that it was 'damnation without relief.' So, if you didn't go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much ... but, then, I believe that's the idea.
Right. Let's split you up, then. Can you all hear me still? Can you hear me at the rack? Ah, okay. Alright.
Ah, murderers? Over here, thank you. Looters and pillagers, over there. Theives, if you could join them? And bank managers.
Fornicators, if you could step forward? ... My God, there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into 'adulterers' and 'the rest'? Adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine?
Okay, um, ah ... Americans? Are you here? Yes, look, I'm sorry about this... apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. Um, he sends particular condolences to the Mormons, who he realizes have put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles...
The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us. I'm going to be holding them in Purgatory for about 9 000 years.
Um, sodomites? Over there, against the wall...
Erm... atheists. Atheists? Over here, please? You must be feeling a right bunch of Charlies...
Okay, and... um, Christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry... I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Okay, moonies? Maniacs, marmite-eaters, male models, masochists, mass-murderers, and messers... if you could just take a pew at the back? Um, with the Methodists, that is...
You're the lot who used to kill whales, right? Ah, yes, I must remember I've got some strips to tear off you bastards...
Now, everyone who saw Monty Python's 'Life of Brian?' Ah, yes, I'm afraid he can't take a joke, after all.
Alright, now, one final thing... we're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or 'Cliff', as you will come to know him... Some of you will travel up and have a decade in Heaven, and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in Heaven, you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, um... so I hope you do the exact opposite. Tear off their wings, use their halos for frisbee practice...
Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub, here, will show you the ropes... and the chains, the electrodes...
And I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt under the circumstances, I view, it begins something like:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh-
-Rowan Atkinson
Er ... alright. Hello, nice to see you all again...
Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil, good evening... um, but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal...
... that's just a little joke.
Now, you're all here for... eternity, which, I hardly need tell you, is a sort of a long time, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions?
Yes?
Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you've read your Bible, you would have seen that it was 'damnation without relief.' So, if you didn't go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much ... but, then, I believe that's the idea.
Right. Let's split you up, then. Can you all hear me still? Can you hear me at the rack? Ah, okay. Alright.
Ah, murderers? Over here, thank you. Looters and pillagers, over there. Theives, if you could join them? And bank managers.
Fornicators, if you could step forward? ... My God, there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into 'adulterers' and 'the rest'? Adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine?
Okay, um, ah ... Americans? Are you here? Yes, look, I'm sorry about this... apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. Um, he sends particular condolences to the Mormons, who he realizes have put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles...
The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us. I'm going to be holding them in Purgatory for about 9 000 years.
Um, sodomites? Over there, against the wall...
Erm... atheists. Atheists? Over here, please? You must be feeling a right bunch of Charlies...
Okay, and... um, Christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry... I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Okay, moonies? Maniacs, marmite-eaters, male models, masochists, mass-murderers, and messers... if you could just take a pew at the back? Um, with the Methodists, that is...
You're the lot who used to kill whales, right? Ah, yes, I must remember I've got some strips to tear off you bastards...
Now, everyone who saw Monty Python's 'Life of Brian?' Ah, yes, I'm afraid he can't take a joke, after all.
Alright, now, one final thing... we're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or 'Cliff', as you will come to know him... Some of you will travel up and have a decade in Heaven, and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in Heaven, you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, um... so I hope you do the exact opposite. Tear off their wings, use their halos for frisbee practice...
Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub, here, will show you the ropes... and the chains, the electrodes...
And I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt under the circumstances, I view, it begins something like:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh-
-Rowan Atkinson
