Brain tired.

[urbanamazon]

Ever get that feeling that you're way in over your head?

Hold it ... let me rephrase.

Ever get that feeling the you're way in over your head, and everyone else is standing back against the wall and looking at what an idiot you're making of yourself?

I'm talking about the Comic Book Artist's Ring.

Oh, fuck, why am I listening to Savage Garden's "Crash and Burn"? Dammit, sometimes lyrics of inspiration are not what I need.

I feel like I'm the only one giving a damn about the group, and everyone else is too busy at the moment with all of their own back-breaking workloads. It isn't exactly inspirational when half of you original number shows up to the second meeting, and one of the members is gabbing at the top of her lungs to lunch-mates and leaves halfway through without speaking a word to us. The majority of the group just sits back and looks at me like I'm supposed to be saying something inspirational and profound, and, all of a sudden, all those notes and bulleted questions I scribbled down for the meeting seem so childish and naiive.

I don't know the first thing about running a club or a group. I'm not a public speaker. I'm not a great rousing leader. I'm a grunt. What the Hell was I thinking getting this thing started? I took a personal challenge to heart and now I'm trying to drag as many people as I can along with me to prove that I'm right. I'm not leader. I'm a selfish teenager who's looking for backup.

Whenever I talk to MacNevin about this ... I get so hyped and ahead of myself. He talks about becoming an actual association, about becoming a recognized Alberta society, about putting out publications and shows and all that other stuff that leaves stars in my eyes. Then when I finally come down and faceplant myself into reality, I feel like the world's most stupid moron for having any hopes that high. I'm angry at myself, for being naiive and for being so jaded at the same time, and it's difficult to do anything to stop it.

So am I getting in over my head, or am I just giving up to easily?

That's one of my problems, and I've stated it time and again.

"How do you tell the difference between a challenge and a sign?"

I think I'm starting to catch James' morning headaches. Had one this morning as well as yesterday.

This world has too much stuff in it. Too many things happening, too many things said, too many things done to stay alive and treading water without sacrificing brain cells and happiness.

I haven't written anything in weeks. My commitment to writing_days, much to my guilt, has dissolved.

I want to do something mindless. I want to stay awake for an entire night, if only to have nine straight hours where I don't need to do anything but lay down in a comfortable bed and think ... and maybe not even think.

The worst part is that I know I'm not the only one ... but there's not really much that I can do about it.

I use this journal to keep track of people that I don't normally see ... and some that I do. Whenever anyone I care about posts something emotionally charged in a negative sense, a minefield of depression and ranting, so to speak, I often want to respond so hard my hands ache ... but I can't. I can't say anything that doesn't sound childish or naiive or redundant or dissmissive. That's the problem with the Internet. Whenever someone is upset or depressed or hurting and there's nothing I can really say, I just wish I was there ... a hug or a smile or a dirty joke ... but I can't gauge that over a screen and keyboard. Sometimes people need to be alone to solve their problems ... believe me, I have the same issue myself and it runs in my family.

But other times ... I feel so goddamn protective and so goddamn helpless. I want to hold them and make sure their heart beats and make sure they'll wake up feeling less alone.

I defend my honor by saying that I'm not clingy, I'm loyal to the bone.

And when no one else seems to care, I get so angry that I can barely speak.

So I type.

So.

Comments

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Dammit ... you're making me aaaa~che ...

[gxdm.livejournal.com]

*smiles and hands you a sword*

Re:

[kouryou.livejournal.com]

Angst bad. Sword pretty.

*balances sword behind neck with both hands and walks off into the woods in a black overcoat-billowing fashion ... whistling*

Re:

[gxdm.livejournal.com]

*grins* Exactly.

[ex-res-judic324.livejournal.com]

Congratulations, you care. That by default makes you the leader because you're the one with the vision. People don't tend to sit back and think 'hmmm... she has leadership potential.' they look at you think 'that's a damned good idea...?' and expect you to fill in the question mark. The question mark being the determinative point where either you decide to lead or let the entire thing be a pipe dream. People will follow you even if you are bluffing nine times out of ten because you're the one with the conviction and your talking.

And, hell, you've got to have some sort of personal charisma to pull in as many people as you have already. If you've got the charisma, use it shamelessly to get what you want.

I wouldn't say that you're getting in over your head, but those are long term goals and you need short ones that are obtainable in the near term to not only maintain your self esteem but to get the word out about your organization and get more members in. The more people you have involved, the more people that you have to delegate to, the more you can get done. Long term goals are what you tell potential sponsers, donors, new membership, the things you remind yourself and your membership at the start of meetings so you remember where you're going. the short term goals are what you use to get your feet under you and prove your creditials. I know precisely jack and shit about comic books and what you want to do in the short term, but perhaps bringing someone to speak about the industry would be away to start out (profs are good for this, they have nothing but time and can't charge speaker fees) or hold a contest. I have no idea.

'Leadership' positions are things that happen to you, not things that you seek. All it takes is balls and sheer bloody minded determination. And, personally, I think you have those things in spades.

And, God damn, but do I ever know what you mean about having friends that you can only contact over the internet and when they bleed all you can do is bleed with them. I know what it's like to want to reach out and hold them, shield them from whatever it is that's upseting them, *hurt* whoever is hurting them. Sucks that neither of us can't.

Whoever said it before is right, you sound like a damned good friend.

[zer.livejournal.com]

Heh, I found at about this meeting thing when I got home at 1pm. Oops.

Do you announce them on the forum thing? Or how does it work?

I swear, someday, somehow... SOMEWHERE! I SHALL attend one of these bloody meetings! ... and hold them somewhere else, the cafeteria is evil.

Don't worry about being put into a leadership position, the power is addictive, if wholely imaginary. I mean, I don't know anything about that. Look over there! (You'll be fine, and I'd love to hear about some of the ideas you have and give some input if I can. Hell, I've messed around with floundering and apathetic groups before [ahem, kult, ahem], maybe I can be of some help).

[minimalismo.livejournal.com]

Well... hm.

We need to find a quiet place to meet... how about at the Jubilee stairs or something? Somewhere where people can just sit and talk. I wish we could do it when nobody has AHIS but we can't do anything about that :)

Where else is quite? Maybe in a studio room or... something... [scratches head], I dunno...

"This world has too much stuff in it. Too many things happening, too many things said, too many things done to stay alive and treading water without sacrificing brain cells and happiness."

Yes, yes it does. Too much stuff, precious.

"Whenever I talk to MacNevin about this ... I get so hyped and ahead of myself. He talks about becoming an actual association, about becoming a recognized Alberta society, about putting out publications and shows and all that other stuff that leaves stars in my eyes. Then when I finally come down and faceplant myself into reality, I feel like the world's most stupid moron for having any hopes that high. I'm angry at myself, for being naiive and for being so jaded at the same time, and it's difficult to do anything to stop it.

So am I getting in over my head, or am I just giving up to easily?"

MacNevin is... hes _different_.
He gets ahead of HIMSELF too often, I think, and leaves people either hanging or "starry-eyed" for something "more".

"I want to do something mindless. I want to stay awake for an entire night, if only to have nine straight hours where I don't need to do anything but lay down in a comfortable bed and think ... and maybe not even think."

Mindless... nine straight hours... rave. I miss them.

" I can't say anything that doesn't sound childish or naiive or redundant or dissmissive. That's the problem with the Internet."

I admit to myself that I have problems with language on a regular basis, so sometimes I just end up typing the same word over and over and over and over and over (no pun intended, heh) again until I find the right words.

Example: But, like, you know, whatever, stuff, n' stuff, precious...

[dumdums.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't give up if I were you. Don't worry about dwindeling attendance just yet. After all those Anime Clubs all over the place at all those institutes of higher learning had to start somewhere. So your not a leader hey? The best Leaders neeeded to start learning somewhere. What better place then a (don't take this the wrong way) "Silly Comic Book Club". It's a challenge and not a sign. I'm not just saying that becasue I'm up north in Cold, uncaring, unfreidly Fort McMurray either. I'm saying it because for some strange reason I think it would be "cool" if you suceeded :).

Mind you no real point killing yourself over it either.

[euthrecyti.livejournal.com]

I'd definetly be there for the Comic Book Artist's Ring! In a heartbeat!!!
...That is...if I _attended_ ACAD. (A growing "if".)

What I said in the entry before...I meant. You're a good...damned good comrade Sarah. I wish I could say more, but it just wouldn't hold anything more than words on a screen over LJ. So...I'll save it for 'meat-space'.

Keep up the good fight, no matter what anyone says...you'll survive, despite the scars, the college-angst, and the LJ-angst (oh the LJ-angst!!!) You will make it. And you will become Mega-Uber-Sarah. Because right now you're already Uber-Sarah.


Take care!


*salutes, and walks away from the LJ moot, off into the forest, whistling something something along the lines of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" and keeping an eye open for a sword swiping from in behind the trees...in the darkness...just in case.*

You're cool okay.

[chevaliermalfet.livejournal.com]

I agree with several of the posts. And I think for this leadership thing that you are worrying about, don't. Don't even think about it. Just do it. It works much better that way. Develop some good idea's in a positive supportive atmosphere(read: in the company of friends) and then just don't think about them until the second the meeting starts. No second guessing no recrimination or doubt. It's a BIG burden being the one in charge of anything. More so if your worry about it transforms it into a 24 hour responsibility. You need to lay the burden down. And I say it like its easy, but it's not. It's almost harder than picking up that burden in the first place. But it gets better. Anyhow good luck.

PS There is no difference between a challenge and a sign, only in your reaction to it. A challenge means you're still in the fight, a sign meant that for you at least it never began...

[korus.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, babe, both Meggan and Hilary are planning on going to ACAD next year and want to be in your club. Plus, Kyle wants to be in it, too...so I'll need some info to give him.