Brain tired.
Feb. 5th, 2004 01:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urbanamazonEver get that feeling that you're way in over your head?
Hold it ... let me rephrase.
Ever get that feeling the you're way in over your head, and everyone else is standing back against the wall and looking at what an idiot you're making of yourself?
I'm talking about the Comic Book Artist's Ring.
Oh, fuck, why am I listening to Savage Garden's "Crash and Burn"? Dammit, sometimes lyrics of inspiration are not what I need.
I feel like I'm the only one giving a damn about the group, and everyone else is too busy at the moment with all of their own back-breaking workloads. It isn't exactly inspirational when half of you original number shows up to the second meeting, and one of the members is gabbing at the top of her lungs to lunch-mates and leaves halfway through without speaking a word to us. The majority of the group just sits back and looks at me like I'm supposed to be saying something inspirational and profound, and, all of a sudden, all those notes and bulleted questions I scribbled down for the meeting seem so childish and naiive.
I don't know the first thing about running a club or a group. I'm not a public speaker. I'm not a great rousing leader. I'm a grunt. What the Hell was I thinking getting this thing started? I took a personal challenge to heart and now I'm trying to drag as many people as I can along with me to prove that I'm right. I'm not leader. I'm a selfish teenager who's looking for backup.
Whenever I talk to MacNevin about this ... I get so hyped and ahead of myself. He talks about becoming an actual association, about becoming a recognized Alberta society, about putting out publications and shows and all that other stuff that leaves stars in my eyes. Then when I finally come down and faceplant myself into reality, I feel like the world's most stupid moron for having any hopes that high. I'm angry at myself, for being naiive and for being so jaded at the same time, and it's difficult to do anything to stop it.
So am I getting in over my head, or am I just giving up to easily?
That's one of my problems, and I've stated it time and again.
"How do you tell the difference between a challenge and a sign?"
I think I'm starting to catch James' morning headaches. Had one this morning as well as yesterday.
This world has too much stuff in it. Too many things happening, too many things said, too many things done to stay alive and treading water without sacrificing brain cells and happiness.
I haven't written anything in weeks. My commitment to writing_days, much to my guilt, has dissolved.
I want to do something mindless. I want to stay awake for an entire night, if only to have nine straight hours where I don't need to do anything but lay down in a comfortable bed and think ... and maybe not even think.
The worst part is that I know I'm not the only one ... but there's not really much that I can do about it.
I use this journal to keep track of people that I don't normally see ... and some that I do. Whenever anyone I care about posts something emotionally charged in a negative sense, a minefield of depression and ranting, so to speak, I often want to respond so hard my hands ache ... but I can't. I can't say anything that doesn't sound childish or naiive or redundant or dissmissive. That's the problem with the Internet. Whenever someone is upset or depressed or hurting and there's nothing I can really say, I just wish I was there ... a hug or a smile or a dirty joke ... but I can't gauge that over a screen and keyboard. Sometimes people need to be alone to solve their problems ... believe me, I have the same issue myself and it runs in my family.
But other times ... I feel so goddamn protective and so goddamn helpless. I want to hold them and make sure their heart beats and make sure they'll wake up feeling less alone.
I defend my honor by saying that I'm not clingy, I'm loyal to the bone.
And when no one else seems to care, I get so angry that I can barely speak.
So I type.
So.
Hold it ... let me rephrase.
Ever get that feeling the you're way in over your head, and everyone else is standing back against the wall and looking at what an idiot you're making of yourself?
I'm talking about the Comic Book Artist's Ring.
Oh, fuck, why am I listening to Savage Garden's "Crash and Burn"? Dammit, sometimes lyrics of inspiration are not what I need.
I feel like I'm the only one giving a damn about the group, and everyone else is too busy at the moment with all of their own back-breaking workloads. It isn't exactly inspirational when half of you original number shows up to the second meeting, and one of the members is gabbing at the top of her lungs to lunch-mates and leaves halfway through without speaking a word to us. The majority of the group just sits back and looks at me like I'm supposed to be saying something inspirational and profound, and, all of a sudden, all those notes and bulleted questions I scribbled down for the meeting seem so childish and naiive.
I don't know the first thing about running a club or a group. I'm not a public speaker. I'm not a great rousing leader. I'm a grunt. What the Hell was I thinking getting this thing started? I took a personal challenge to heart and now I'm trying to drag as many people as I can along with me to prove that I'm right. I'm not leader. I'm a selfish teenager who's looking for backup.
Whenever I talk to MacNevin about this ... I get so hyped and ahead of myself. He talks about becoming an actual association, about becoming a recognized Alberta society, about putting out publications and shows and all that other stuff that leaves stars in my eyes. Then when I finally come down and faceplant myself into reality, I feel like the world's most stupid moron for having any hopes that high. I'm angry at myself, for being naiive and for being so jaded at the same time, and it's difficult to do anything to stop it.
So am I getting in over my head, or am I just giving up to easily?
That's one of my problems, and I've stated it time and again.
"How do you tell the difference between a challenge and a sign?"
I think I'm starting to catch James' morning headaches. Had one this morning as well as yesterday.
This world has too much stuff in it. Too many things happening, too many things said, too many things done to stay alive and treading water without sacrificing brain cells and happiness.
I haven't written anything in weeks. My commitment to writing_days, much to my guilt, has dissolved.
I want to do something mindless. I want to stay awake for an entire night, if only to have nine straight hours where I don't need to do anything but lay down in a comfortable bed and think ... and maybe not even think.
The worst part is that I know I'm not the only one ... but there's not really much that I can do about it.
I use this journal to keep track of people that I don't normally see ... and some that I do. Whenever anyone I care about posts something emotionally charged in a negative sense, a minefield of depression and ranting, so to speak, I often want to respond so hard my hands ache ... but I can't. I can't say anything that doesn't sound childish or naiive or redundant or dissmissive. That's the problem with the Internet. Whenever someone is upset or depressed or hurting and there's nothing I can really say, I just wish I was there ... a hug or a smile or a dirty joke ... but I can't gauge that over a screen and keyboard. Sometimes people need to be alone to solve their problems ... believe me, I have the same issue myself and it runs in my family.
But other times ... I feel so goddamn protective and so goddamn helpless. I want to hold them and make sure their heart beats and make sure they'll wake up feeling less alone.
I defend my honor by saying that I'm not clingy, I'm loyal to the bone.
And when no one else seems to care, I get so angry that I can barely speak.
So I type.
So.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-05 06:01 pm (UTC)Do you announce them on the forum thing? Or how does it work?
I swear, someday, somehow... SOMEWHERE! I SHALL attend one of these bloody meetings! ... and hold them somewhere else, the cafeteria is evil.
Don't worry about being put into a leadership position, the power is addictive, if wholely imaginary. I mean, I don't know anything about that. Look over there! (You'll be fine, and I'd love to hear about some of the ideas you have and give some input if I can. Hell, I've messed around with floundering and apathetic groups before [ahem, kult, ahem], maybe I can be of some help).